This is the first in a new series of discussion threads here on Some Other Dad! Every other week, we can all chat about something that affects us as parents, and share our experiences with each other. If you‘re a paid supporter, you’ll get one every week, and you’ll be helping Some Other Dad to keep going. Your support would be greatly appreciated!
That’s it for the preamble: let’s talk about balancing freedom and safety.
This comes up for me so, so damn often. I think I’ve been modelled a lot of caution as a child. So for me, the instinct to make sure my daughter is safe whilst playing (or whatever mad thing she’s doing when she’s meant to be winding down for bedtime) is very strong.
But this doesn’t chime with how I want to actually parent her. I remember feeling constricted as a child in play sometimes, and so I want to afford her the freedom to discover her physical capabilities.
The struggle to keep my instincts in check and let her play freely is tough, but then when she inevitably does fall and hurt herself, the stares from other parents feel all the harsher.
But enough from me: How do you balance freedom and safety with your kids?
Our general policy is to do a quick risk assessment of the worst case scenario, likely negative scenarios, and lesson that can be learned the "hard" way. Ideally, that hard way is bruise, scrape, cut, and they learn the lesson before it is a broken bone, concussion, etc.
We then point out the risk and explain it is their choice. Our thought is, if it does go south, they will connect the dots.
I just spent a month camping with my kiddos and finally got to the point where I told myself to be quiet bc I was totally over-reacting. I struggle with my kid's (6 and 8 yrs) lack of situational awareness and need to shift to helping them be aware, talk through it, and problem solve.
I feel like I'm better at it with my toddler bc it's more straight forward ('look at the closed door, here's a step' etc etc) but with the older ones, not so much.
I’m telling myself to be quiet all the time as well! I tend to over-explain things to the point where it’s going over a three-year-old’s head anyway, so it’s just wasted breath.
Great thread topic. I have two kids, 5 and 9 + my 18-year-old nephew who moved in with us 3 years ago. Brad, I know you have a little one so the older kid thoughts may not be relevant now but maybe sometime in the future when your girl is a pre-teen/teen you might think of this :)
The balance became more prevalent when I had a 2nd. I was very helicopter over my first because I had the typical first time mom jitters. When I couldn't pay all the attention to my first-born, I had to let go of control. I also started sending both of my kids to a Waldorf preschool that encouraged playing in dirt and nature all the time. Both of these things eased up my sense of "safety." I learned they learn from getting dirty, from getting to move their own bodies and tumbling a bit. I have a similar mindset to Fallible Father. This may sound silly but sometimes I decide based on how big the risk is. I'm ok with the idea of bruises and cuts but if I see the risk of movement that could likely lead to a trip to the ER, I say something. Sometimes I shut my eyes quickly and hope for the best. I can't stop everything and the result will help them learn for the next time.
Freedom and safety is otherworldly for teens when you compare it to little ones. Teens try to negotiate and so we discuss non-negotiables like this is a rule because it is the law (drinking and drugs, driving rules with a provisions license, etc). But most times it is a gray area. We create rules and expectations together on what he expects of himself on grades and other activities and hold him to it (even writing it all down). If he falls short, we reference this. Otherwise, we believe in saying yes more than no. Trust and freedom with teenagers is a big way for them to eventually learn to adult.
I think you’re so right about having two - I sure as hell can’t pay the same kind of close attention to the eldest anymore, which is something I can’t really do anything about...so all there is to do is accept the risk! And as you say, intervene when there’s real danger.
I’ve heard loads of great things about Waldorf schools! I bet they loved it there.
Ah yes, I suppose this debate takes on a whole new meaning with teenagers! I think your approach sounds really reasonable though; I remember self-accountability when I got into university for example being such a great motivator for me; knowing that someone was trusting me to make good choices actually made me more inclined to make the good choice than if I was just dictated to.
Admittedly not a parent, but I am a special needs teacher and have always found that wrestling and rough and tumble play are vital for any child to understand their physical capabilities. There is an amazing guy called Rafe Kelley (you might be related Brad) who talks about it and also the benefits of things like Parkour to help kids develop control of their physical movements (and emotions) effectively.
Yes, I wrote a short article on it because I knew it worked but wanted to dig a bit deeper into why. I wasn't aware of that book, so I'll give it a look. Thanks
Our general policy is to do a quick risk assessment of the worst case scenario, likely negative scenarios, and lesson that can be learned the "hard" way. Ideally, that hard way is bruise, scrape, cut, and they learn the lesson before it is a broken bone, concussion, etc.
We then point out the risk and explain it is their choice. Our thought is, if it does go south, they will connect the dots.
This makes a lot of sense. Logical consequences of actions are far more impactful than us just saying “be careful” over and over again!
I just spent a month camping with my kiddos and finally got to the point where I told myself to be quiet bc I was totally over-reacting. I struggle with my kid's (6 and 8 yrs) lack of situational awareness and need to shift to helping them be aware, talk through it, and problem solve.
I feel like I'm better at it with my toddler bc it's more straight forward ('look at the closed door, here's a step' etc etc) but with the older ones, not so much.
I’m telling myself to be quiet all the time as well! I tend to over-explain things to the point where it’s going over a three-year-old’s head anyway, so it’s just wasted breath.
Great thread topic. I have two kids, 5 and 9 + my 18-year-old nephew who moved in with us 3 years ago. Brad, I know you have a little one so the older kid thoughts may not be relevant now but maybe sometime in the future when your girl is a pre-teen/teen you might think of this :)
The balance became more prevalent when I had a 2nd. I was very helicopter over my first because I had the typical first time mom jitters. When I couldn't pay all the attention to my first-born, I had to let go of control. I also started sending both of my kids to a Waldorf preschool that encouraged playing in dirt and nature all the time. Both of these things eased up my sense of "safety." I learned they learn from getting dirty, from getting to move their own bodies and tumbling a bit. I have a similar mindset to Fallible Father. This may sound silly but sometimes I decide based on how big the risk is. I'm ok with the idea of bruises and cuts but if I see the risk of movement that could likely lead to a trip to the ER, I say something. Sometimes I shut my eyes quickly and hope for the best. I can't stop everything and the result will help them learn for the next time.
Freedom and safety is otherworldly for teens when you compare it to little ones. Teens try to negotiate and so we discuss non-negotiables like this is a rule because it is the law (drinking and drugs, driving rules with a provisions license, etc). But most times it is a gray area. We create rules and expectations together on what he expects of himself on grades and other activities and hold him to it (even writing it all down). If he falls short, we reference this. Otherwise, we believe in saying yes more than no. Trust and freedom with teenagers is a big way for them to eventually learn to adult.
I think you’re so right about having two - I sure as hell can’t pay the same kind of close attention to the eldest anymore, which is something I can’t really do anything about...so all there is to do is accept the risk! And as you say, intervene when there’s real danger.
I’ve heard loads of great things about Waldorf schools! I bet they loved it there.
Ah yes, I suppose this debate takes on a whole new meaning with teenagers! I think your approach sounds really reasonable though; I remember self-accountability when I got into university for example being such a great motivator for me; knowing that someone was trusting me to make good choices actually made me more inclined to make the good choice than if I was just dictated to.
Admittedly not a parent, but I am a special needs teacher and have always found that wrestling and rough and tumble play are vital for any child to understand their physical capabilities. There is an amazing guy called Rafe Kelley (you might be related Brad) who talks about it and also the benefits of things like Parkour to help kids develop control of their physical movements (and emotions) effectively.
There is a great book called "The Art of Roughhousing" all about the benefits and ideas for age appropriate ways to get going.
My kids all love to wrestle, but one of my daughters is crazy about all of it. As fast, high or rough as you can go, she is wanting more.
It also seems to help them know the difference between real agression/threats and non threatening joke behavior.
Yes, I wrote a short article on it because I knew it worked but wanted to dig a bit deeper into why. I wasn't aware of that book, so I'll give it a look. Thanks