It’s Just Parenting, But in a Different Location

How channelling Robert DeNiro in Heat will save your sanity on family holidays

Hi everyone 👋 Just a quick note to say that the weekly essays here on Some Other Dad will now be sent out/posted every Monday from now on!

As I alluded to last week, I’ve been away.

It’s been our first holiday as a family of four. We’ve kept it simple; gone somewhere that—although is a place very close to our hearts, not that far from where we live, and somewhere we know like the backs of our hands—is not going to push our logistical and parenting abilities too far. There’s plenty of time in the future for navigating airports and language barriers with two kids in tow.

Even with the relative simplicity of a familiar location—and even accommodation we’ve stayed in before—there’s nothing easy about packing this circus up and taking it on the road. With kids, holidays are a totally different ball-game compared to how they used to be.

In those halcyon days, which basically seem like a past life or some fatigue-induced fever dream, I’d wake up on the morning I was going on holiday, sling a few t-shirts and pants into a hold-all, and be on my merry way to the airport, safe in the knowledge that someone else would take care of my passport and boarding passes; someone else would know what road we were taking to get to our destination.

A childless bastard enjoying his holiday.

Now it’s the kids who sit in the back seat, wallowing blissfully in ignorance. Not that I would seek to deny them that luxury for a second—some of those times gave me some great childhood memories. But being in the front seats of the car on those road trips to the seaside or to the airport hits a bit differently.

It’s a strange juxtaposition, going on holiday with the kids. You arrive at your destination, and just as you want to start relaxing, you’re scanning the new, alien surroundings. If you’re in a hotel, which of the kids goes on the sofa bed? What if they fall out of the higher bed in the night and land on the tiles? Where’s the restaurant and what time do they open? Will they have food the kids will eat? Will they have high chairs? What about the pool; is it too deep for the kids?

Even when you go self-catered; where’s the nearest supermarket? What if they don’t sell that one thing we thought we’d pick up when we got there? What if the kids spill something on that nice rug? Jeez, that kitchen counter has some nasty looking corners. Do I need to be booking restaurants? What if everywhere’s full, and we’re stuck in eating butter pasta for a week?

Maybe that’s just my anxious brain talking, and your mileage may vary. But even if you think like me, despite all that unease, it’s still so good to be away from our normal environment. Change is as good as a rest, and a different view out of the window every morning can be like opening a window for our mind, letting the fresh air in, and the stuffy hot air out.

Ultimately though, the days of working our way through as many novels of you can pack into an airport W H Smith are over. We’re lucky to get ten minutes of solo reading done before we’re wiping sand out from between their toes, or layering them up with more sun cream.

Holidays are a reminder—because we all need a reminder, don’t we?—that parenting is the ultimate “always on” job. We may label it as a holiday, and the touch of a bit of sun on our skins is a welcome change from home, but essentially we are still doing the same day-to-day parenting grind—just in a different location than usual.

The short-hand that you have with your own home is lost—everything you need is either buried in bags or shoved in unfamiliar drawers and cupboards. Those things that we do just to keep the good ship Family afloat—the ones propping up Maslow’s pyramid—can end up taking those extra few minutes we don’t really have, which can make all the difference between avoiding a meltdown and being caught full in the face in its eruption, Pompeii style.

But are we alone in our anxieties around taking the kids away on holiday, away from their (and our) usual setups and routines? Definitely not.

A massive 40% of parents and carers felt some level of stress when thinking about holidays over the summer, whilst 57% of American families get stressed about summer road trips. Pertinently to the situation my family is in, 26% of British parents get stressed thinking about taking their baby away for the first time, citing nap times (44%), adjusting to changes in temperature (35%), sleeping in different beds/cots (36%) and being away from their usual amenities (35%) as the biggest contributing factors.

Although these are practicalities that unfortunately do have to be overcome whilst away on holiday, isn’t it shitty that the hardest working, most burnt out and tiredest people—the most deserving of a break—feel too stressed to even take a vacation, just because they want to share that experience with their kids? Yet again, society seems to give zero fucks about just how parents of young kids get through their days, let alone their vacations.

So, what can be done about this injustice?

For those of us concerned about keeping a particular routine, let me say this: if there’s ever a time to tear down routine and lean into parenting shortcuts, then this is the time.

One week of snacks on demand is not to ruin their appetites irreversibly forever. A bit of extra screen time whilst you’re trying to pack, or when you’re navigating the airport, is an act of kindness to all of you if it gets you out the door on time and away on your adventure. You’ll feel freed by letting go of that structure, and so will they. After all, it’s a break for them as well as for us.

In an environment that’s unknown to you, and therefore in which anything can happen, overly-elaborate structure is your enemy. Adopt the Neil McCauley approach; don’t get yourself in any situation that you can’t get out of in 30 seconds should you feel the heat. Leave the laminator out of your schedule planning for the trip, and make sure to factor in sections of the day, or entire days, where you don’t plan anything at all.

If you’re travelling on an aeroplane in particular, there’ll be all kinds of bullshit that tries to box you into structure and routine right from the get-go, whether it’s the early morning drive to the airport, queueing at security and boarding the plane precisely when your seat numbers are called. It’s hard to escape all of this, but two things I’d do differently for our next trip abroad will be to stay overnight at a budget hotel near the airport, should there be an early morning flight, and to not board the plane with the kids until the very last moment. There’s nothing worse than planning and packing loads of flight distractions for the kids, only to burn through half of them whilst you’re still stuck on the tarmac.

The approach of less structure, more freedom has served us well on trips before, and it’s exactly what we’ve employed this time. There’s no expectations of anyone or anything being set. No schedule to speak of—the laminator is well and truly in its cupboard¹. It’s harried enough for adults when we go away from our normal surroundings and spend that first night in a new, unfamiliar place, so increase that by tenfold for the kids at least.

There is one thing you should probably schedule and expect on trips with kids though: tantrums. As hard and challenging as they are, come to terms with the fact that they’ll act out of character, whether due to tiredness, overstimulation, hunger or whatever else. Mentally prepping yourself for that has helped me better deal with the situation in the past, and it will for you too.

---

I write the conclusion of this post after our trip, and most of I’ve written has come to pass. The looser structure benefitted all of us, and we had a mostly stress-free time.

In fact, it was a really important trip for us as a new family of four. We’d been putting off venturing further than a few of our local parks since the baby was born, fearful for how we’d cope out in the wild if two kids decided to lose their shit at the same time. But we’d had this trip booked before the baby was born; it looked ominously over us, an impending test of our new parenting situation.

But I have to say, we did pretty well. Maybe we doubted our abilities—and maybe the trip was just the push we needed—but it has helped us all further adjust to life with two kids.

Travel with kids is hard, no doubt. But the rewards far outweigh the costs, for both parents and children alike.

---

What’s your best travel tips?

Some of the best travel hacks for kids I’ve ever heard are the ones you glean from the random little conversations you have with other parents; one piece of small talk seemingly changing everything we’d ever tried. So roll up and share the one thing that you’d be lost without when travelling with the kids!

---

Previously on Some Other Dad

Recent previous issues

Confessions of an Obsessive Parent

A Different Kind of Father's Day

Comparison Culture

Absent Without Leave

1. Not really sure why I wrote this; of course I don’t own a laminator. I’m not a primary school teaching assistant